WHAT HAPPENED TO JONAH
In the chosen land of Palestine, three thousand years ago.
Lived a certain Jonah Somebody, whose surname we donšt know.
Who earned an honest living, in that far off foreign part,
By the exercise of prophecy, that very ancient art.
One day he got instructions to proceed without delay,
And tell the wicked Ninevites, 'Therešd come a time some day.'
Now, Jonah didn't like the job and very angry grew,
For it was the month of August, and his holidays were due.
'Be hanged to Nineveh,' he thought, 'I'll take an ocean trip.'
So he cycled down to Jobba, and at Jobba found a ship.
He took a cabin ticket and paid his money down
And, in the afternoon, the good ship left for Tarshish Town.
When, feeling rather qualmish, Jonah went below to doze.
And, as he lay asleep, a fearful storm arose.
Then in a tick, before the skipper scarce had time to swear.
Bang went the two propellers and the patent steering gear.
The boat shipped lots of water, so they woke the prophet up,
And put him on at bailing with a spoon and breakfast cup.
And while the crew kept pumping like the deuce to keep afloat,
The captain said, "It strikes me, therešs a 'hoodoo' on the boat."
The mate replied, "Youšve hit it, it's a pretty bit of ,
My lads, let's 'sell the pony' and see who the bounder is."
Well, Jonah 'bought the pony' and the captain and the crew,
"Itšs you that caused the trouble, Mister, what are we to do?
Then Jonah answered like a man, he said, "It seems to me,
This is a case of jettison. Here, chuck me in the sea.
For when I cast my horoscope some years ago, I found,
That I should never meet my latter end by being drowned."
And the mate said to the skipper, "Shall we do it? What d'ye say? Hešs paid his fare, so we shanšt be the losers, anyway."
"All right!" the captain answered, so while wind and water roared,
They all shook hands with Jonah and then shoved him overboard.
Now, at that very instant that the prophet struck the brine,
A whale, in passing, thought, "Hullo, herešs something in my line!"
And the moment after, Jonah, with an oily sort of glide,
Felt himself go slowly sliding down the animal's inside.
And there three days he rested, with his boots on, fully dressed.
The whale found he'd got something that he couldn't well digest.
And local irritation in his stomach came about,
Through Jonah scrapping round, to try and find a short cut out.
And on the third day when the whale, was very near to land,
He turned up deadly sick and out jerked Jonah on the sand.
The prophet, having had a bath, soon felt himself again,
And then straightway for Nineveh he started off by train.
And when he reached the city, to the market place he went,
And slanged and cursed the Ninevites unto his heartšs content.
That's all, and I assure you that the narrative is true,
And if you donšt believe it... there's a lot if folks who do.
By Walter Stanford