Albert

The Lion and Albert

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert.
All dressed in his best; quite a swell.
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean.
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small.
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded.
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo.
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace,
His nose were all covered with scars.
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions.
How they were ferocious and wild.
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear.
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle,
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it.
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next.
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert",
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it.
He said, "What a nasty mishap,
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert,
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller,
I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble.
He took out his purse right away,
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward,
When she thought where her Albert had
gone.
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station.
In front of a Magistrate chap,
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion,
That no-one was really to blame.
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms,
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing.
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she,
"What waste all our lives raising children,
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

by Marriott Edgar

SON OF ALBERT

Now you've 'eard of young Albert Ramsbottom,
And the time that he went to the Zoo.
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle.
And the perils that Albert came through.

Well, Albert grew up and got married.
('E 'ad to, from all that one hears).
'E'd planned a more temporary arrangement.
Elsie's father had other ideas.

So Albert acknowledged his offspring.
Preferring a ring to a wreath.
And the child grew the spit of his father.
(Especially when cutting his teeth).

Our story begins when young Albert.
Had attained to the ripe age of six.
A terror to all of their neighbours,
A right little b--undle of tricks.

It was Wakes week in what passed for summer.
And the family went off for the day,
To the tropical Costa del Blackpool,
In the time-honoured Lancashire way.

They'd sampled the usual pleasures.
Done all they could think of to do,
When Ma said, 'Let's all go to t'Tower!'
Pa said, 'We're not going to no Zoo!'

I've 'ad some experience o' yon place,
Let's keep lions well outa 'is reach!
In't there owt as you don't pay for In Blackpool?
Ma says, 'Well, there's only t'beach!'

Well, that seemed a sensible notion.
But when they got down to the shore,
They found about three million people,
Who'd 'ad same idea just before.

Well, that wouldn't have troubled them greatly,
Except that, unfortunately,
A tanker had been that way lately,
And dropped half its load in the sea.

Now Albert for muck were a magnet.
And that oil were as sticky as sin;
It made a right mess of his trousers,
(Though it didn't show much on his skin).

The upshot of this little drama,
As Ma said, 'Enough is enough!
Took place in a small launderama.
Where Albert was stripped to the buff.

They chucked all his clothes in the washer.
Then Ma turned to attend to her son.
But Albert, she noticed, had scarpered.
She couldn't think where he had gone.

It was Pa who came up with the answer.
A stranger sight he's never seen.
There was Albert going round with the laundry,
In a new multi-programme machine.

'Ere, Ma,' he said, 'look at our Albert.
Yer've seen nowt like this, I'll be bound,
You'll admit, considering his age, like,
The lad doesn't half get around'

'Gerrim out, yer soft 'aporth' says Elsie,
'E climbed in not ten second since'.
'I can't' says his Dad,'The thing's programmed !
I can't, till he's had his third rinse'

So they had to sit there, a bit anxious,
Till that programme completed its lot.
A much better programme than 'Neighbours'
Well, it had a more interesting plot.

He was soaked, but they hadn't no towel,
So Pa says, 'Ere, Ma, show some sense.
Shove the lad for a while in yon drier,
It's only another ten pence.'

So if ever you're passing through Oldham.
And you chance on a snow-white young lad,
Just take care you don't call the boy 'Persil',
'Cos it doesn't 'alf make young Albert mad.

Author Unknown